Well, the reason I’m writing this is obviously I’ve lost something important, something is more appropriate, not to mention, can’t think of any decent term.
In any relationship, it’s natural to have that vows of forever most especially if the two of you were just starting. If you know what I mean, that crappy, “I will marry you”, “I can’t live without you” , “You are my life and everything” shits and stuffs. Don’t ask me because any human being in this Earth who have loved so much and got dumped would feel the same way I’m feeling right now. And who the fuq cares. Bitterness is not a crime. Psshh.
Then suddenly there would come a point when both of your hearts doesn’t feel the way they once felt with each other, it’s like booooom, then it’s over. Love fades but it will never be gone. I’ve come to realize that the person I fought hard for in the first place never choose to stay, I mean sure, we must have had awful, awful times of misunderstandings, share of angst-filled fuss and all that jazz. But leaving when things got messy and fucked up? is that what you call ‘LOVE’? But then I look at my life now and every time I do a rundown of my present possessions? You were not included on the list anymore. I really did bring a good fight to the table. I just wish you pass by on this blog just so you can feel my anger and bitterness towards you. How dare you become okay, free of worries living without me. While I’m here miserable, and drained. No matter how much I want you to suffer and feel this pain too, Love still keeps on floating and anger sinks down. After all of what happened, I’d rather see you smile and happy. Martyrdom at its finest, perhaps. But yea, at some circumstances, bitterness would normally strike me in random situations. It’s just so nice to know that even every inch of me wants to hold you back, and if letting you was the best option, I’d willingly do it for you. I’ve learned to accept the fact of ‘us’ done, gradually and slowly, step by step. Haaayyy.
I don’t really know how I’ll put a conclusion to this post but I just want to say, that all these people—family, friends, colleagues, okay and the sweet Tumblr anons haha—who exist in my life right now and even those who just made their entrance, are making me super happy, grateful and yes, sentimental. I’ve been a tad bit antisocial lately and yet they manage to make me smile and forget the things that bring me down. I barely even get text messages from anyone but they still provide me that feeling of security that I won’t be left again. But you guys know what? I think I’ve learned to just accept it. As much as I wanted to banish this hurt inside of me from its annoying existence, well, it’s there and I’m not in control of anything anymore, so what do we do? We let it go and stop holding on. Although I’m not saying I’ve completely mastered that principle because let’s admit, it’s not fucking easy. It doesn’t happen overnight, in 3 months, even 6. But who are we competing against, really? Why are we all rushing? It’s not like some supreme entity curses you with a deadline and kills you if you fail it. No. If you’re hurting, then be it. No need to act all tough outside when it really kills. What’s important is that you learned something from this experience, and know that all the time you need is in your hands, for this isn’t a race, honey (lol at you, friends). All these passionate and melodramatic feelings surely suck right now but oh boy, just wait ‘til it’s all over.
But then again, that’s just me, my perspective and also some of my friends’. Who am I to speak about things like this when I don’t know jack shit about other people’s problems. All I know is I’m with the right people as of now, and they’ll be the only ones I’m going to need to get me through.
Thanks everyone, Most especially to you Daniel, Christian, Sharmaine, Sam, Regie, Michael. I can’t name everyone who have been there for me. Grateful I have you guys. Unexplained happiness and melancholy in a mix what’s going on, but no, no tears in here, none anymore. :)
